There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Boobs speak an international language.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize