my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I am available for nakedness
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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