apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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