Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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