I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
