a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
