Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
