Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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