I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
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