actually, I'm a sock model
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
