can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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