I accidentally had phone sex last night
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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