Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
