I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
