I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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