would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
