her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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