I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
