So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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