If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
