Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
