can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We left the knife in your bed.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
