Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
