He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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