foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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