I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
