After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
