gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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