she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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