Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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