i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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