all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
