you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize