If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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