I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
