I must be too annoying 4 u.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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