Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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