I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
