Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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