My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm too high and old for this...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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