if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize