Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I think my fart just growled at me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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