I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
