I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
