highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
