You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
