I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just had sex on a roof
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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