I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
