Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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