Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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