So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
