I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
