this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
