So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I touched a dick in church today
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