apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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