I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
