I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
