I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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