guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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