So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
And then he peed in my hair
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