dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
