I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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