I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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