I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
