So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
