i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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