I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
