Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
