I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
