plz talk dirty to me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
